THOUGHT POLICE

Written by Ben Tallon

The intrusive thoughts start on the way back from the school drop-off. ‘Oooh, two days and you’re 1/4 into November and you’ve not yet made 1/10 of your minimum living costs. Still quiet, ISN’T IT?’

This time I grab them and shove a fistful of crispy brown Autumn leaves into their toxic mouths. The first correction is the ‘month on month’ metric. Granted: over a longer timeline, that has to stack up. But I get £300 months and I (occasionally, not often enough) get £10k+ months. Maybe this recent sleep improvement – the kids not being up five times per night – is helping, but I remind myself of those bumper months, which felt just as impossible as any new work feels just now. That could be this month. It’s all possible, after all, and I’m in a position to receive such fortune; putting myself out with a lot of experience, an established brand, and a strong, versatile portfolio. And the optimism returns, so I jog part of the way to get my blood pumping.

This self-talk is everything, and so much hinges on the tone of it. I carved out a career that was unlikely in the first place. There was no way I could convince anyone in logical or probability terms, but it felt great, and that’s always been enough for me. Not just enough, but the grand prize. And despite the fear that always lurks, I still feel excited about wherever the hell I’m going. For you, reader, if you exist, work on that self-talk. In any given moment, the fear that stalks you is far likelier to shit its pants and run if you have inner authority and processes to feed it through, mash it like plasticine into something useful.