How many of us?
I had to call some friends yesterday: friends who have felt the grip of anxiety. The work I have done has required maximum inner-strength because I allowed myself to spiral into a total financial panic. I find that once you enter full-blown anxiety like this, the vicious cycle starts. Everything is a threat, a monumental unresolvable issue. Then when fatigued and burned out from the total overwhelm, the anxiety comes back in waves, usually without a logical, identifiable cause that can be addressed and eradicated.
Two days in the paralysis of it, and finally, this morning, a breakthrough. The friends I called offered various bits of great advice, one of which involved spending time before you go to sleep thinking about the things that excite you the next day. I did that, forcing my racing brain to shine its spotlight on the things that would bring me joy. Even if the financial worry continued to lurk in the background – and it did – I could set my brain on a more nourishing pattern of thought. It wasn’t easy, but upon waking, despite the presence of adrenaline in my system, I sat up and pushed my mind onto the same things I’d fallen asleep thinking about. It didn’t bring glee, but it was enough to balance the fears and help me get up, get the kids ready for school, and get out with the dog.
From there I walked around the local arts centre gardens and listened to a cathartic chapter of my new Murukami book.
This morning I began to wonder just how many people like me – independent and specialist in their trade, leading with creativity – have to deal with this kind of mental health challenge because of the current climate of turmoil? Anxiety completely asphyxiates creativity because it reduces you down to either the bare functioning essentials, or, at best, it might be possible to get into what a friend described to me as ‘the dead zone’ - the idea that a soldier is far more effective with their back to the wall. For a while I did, and I’m sure others do, but if you’re highly sensitive, which I very much am, it can be catastrophic for progression or a resolution.
It’s a perfect storm out there. AI, tightening budgets and shrinking economies. On a good day, I know that I was always an outlier and must fight hard to find the opportunities, but on a bad day I have to fight not to admonish myself for being a specialist. But who isn’t? My electrician or builder friends can’t suddenly just pivot and go find a job that will pay them as well despite a lack of experience and relevant expertise! The trouble is, as one friend pointed out, plumbers will always have work because we are some way off AI toilets. But after 17 and 19 years in the illustration and creative industries respectively, now is not the time to be wondering whether we should have trained as plumbers after all. It always was about evolving and side-stepping, not melting down.
I’m feeling a little better this morning, and I have amends to make on a job from last year. If you’ve felt this too, I’d love to hear from you!